Fine-tune Your Filtering Chambers

Dear loving people,

There are some things that you might not know but that you should know.  The foundation of a solid castle is made-up of different materials. Big stones and small ones, strong stones and weak ones, mud, sand, cement and you can name the rest. Put all of this together and you have a foundation solid enough to carry the castle.

As you move along the rough lanes of life, do your utmost best to receive with meekness all the different things thrown to you by the society and its people. You will be called names, you will be falsely accused, many will make life a hell for you and some will even think you are insane or a maniac. In fact, a majority of the people will try to stifle your progress each time they realise you are making progress. This for sure is because negative people are a drag on your goals and your ambitions. They are quick to tell you what you can’t do, offer little encouragement, and hate to see you prove them wrong by succeeding.

Fine-tune your internal filtering chambers such that only the positive things that happen to you should pass through. Use the negative things as stepping stones, let them help you correct course, change strategy and to move on with revitalised energy. Then you will be happy after all you knew such negative people because they would have helped in challenging you to be stronger and to be a better human being – after all created in God’s own image.

On another note, it’s been my experience that one of the biggest disappointments in our lives are often the result of misplaced expectations.  This is especially true when it comes to our relationships and interactions with others. Tempering your expectations of other people will greatly reduce unnecessary frustration and suffering, in both your life and theirs, and help you refocus on the things that truly matter. One way to do this is to stop expecting them to agree with you on everything.

You deserve to be happy.  You deserve to live a life you are excited about.  Don’t let the opinions of others make you forget that.  You are not in this world to live up to the expectations of others, nor should you feel that others are here to live up to yours.  In fact, the more you approve of your own decisions in life, the less approval you need from everyone else.

You have to dare to be yourself, and follow you own intuition, however frightening or strange that may feel or prove to be.  Don’t compare yourself to others.  Don’t get discouraged by their progress or success. Follow your own path and stay true to your own purpose.  Success is ultimately about spending your life happily in your own way.

I like what Bruce Lee had to say “I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.” I think only God can hold us to account on any account.

A Phone Call from Failure

Dear loving people,

It was a dusty morning in a suburb; my phone rang for the first time in four days. “Hello, Abongta speaking” I said scratching my itching nose and wondering who could be disrupting my solitude. “From this end, I am Failure; I’ll like to have a word with you Sir.” Came the husky voice. “I beg your pardon! Who did you say you are?” my eyes were popping already. “Failure! It’s Failure Sir and I would like to have a word with you if you don’t mind.”

With a feeling of anger and a trembling body, I went on “Is this some…. Is this some joke or what? Anyway, what can I do for you?” “Sir, I have read a lot about you and your inspirational posts on Living Lectures, I just wanted to hear in your own words what you consider Failure to be.” Still bemused, I launched into a hurried explanation…

“Well, firstly, I would say that a Failure is not someone who fails but someone who quits.  Everyone fails from time to time, but I will not consider you to be a failure until you quit. Did you play a song on a piano the very first time? Certainly No.  You had to try again and again. This happens in all spheres; even Christians become weary while serving the Lord? Yes, there are times when you may not feel like going to church, reading your Bible or even praying. At such moments, you rather need to go to church more than ever before as it could be the time God touches your heart. You need to read your Bible as it could be the time the scriptures bless your heart. You need to pray because that could be the time God opens the doors of Heaven for you.

I agree with Henry Ford who says “Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently” Thomas Edison is said to have failed 1,000 times before inventing the light bulb.  When asked why this happened, in humility he said, "I found 999 reasons why it could not work." In the game of life, you have to clearly know what it takes to discourage you because success is not determined by what it takes to start you but to stop you. “Do you get me?” I asked wondering if my strange caller was still at the other end listening.”

“I get you loud and clear Sir but I am just wondering though, what if you choose to avoid failure? What if you are too scared of the pain and shame and ridicule to risk it happening?” “Good question” I said getting more comfortable with the discussion as it was clear my caller needed assistance. “If you try to avoid failure, most certainly, you will fail to succeed. Your fear of failure and your avoidance of it, at all costs, becomes the very reason why you do. If you have ever tried to become successful at anything, you will be familiar with failure. You cannot succeed to master something without at first failing a lot. The very act of failure is required in order to succeed. If you want to learn a new art, or learn to ride a bike, or play an instrument, or become a teacher… Whatever it is, you need to get comfortable with failing. Let me give you a good example.

In the U.S. education system the goal is to leave no one behind. As a result a great many graduates have never been allowed to fail contrary to what obtains in a country like Cameroon. This isn't because they are actually most skilled or talented. It is because the system doesn't allow for failure. I can firmly say that without having a chance to fail, these students are deprived of one of the most powerful ways of learning. Without having a chance to fail, students are taught to avoid failure which means they avoid risk. Teaching students to avoid risk teaches them to avoid the very thing that can make them successful later on in life.

As a result many adults in the U.S. don't know how to react to failure in their own life. They have learned from a young age to avoid failure and to try to ignore it when it occurs. They have learned that failure can just be swept aside and not dealt with or reflected upon. Recognizing failure is one of the best ways to grow. If you ignore your failures, it is unlikely that you will ever be able to develop the skills necessary to make up for your deficiencies.

My own past failures remind me that I am not afraid to stick my neck out and try. I am prepared to take a beating. I want to better myself and I am prepared to take the knocks along the way in order to reach my goals. And with each failure, I learn, I grow and I get ever closer to achieving my goals.

By recognizing your failures, you are better able to understand yourself. Also by treating each and every failure as a learning experience, you can make failure a positive experience. This doesn't mean that you will want to fail, but by turning failure into something good, you can reduce the pain of failure.

Since many individuals avoid action because they are afraid of failure, taking steps toward minimizing your fear of failure can give you an advantage over others who have not learned to benefit from their mistakes. Fear of failure is one of the biggest reasons people don't strive for greatness. By recognizing that failure is just part of the learning process, individuals can overcome one of the biggest roadblocks to success.

Risk is a natural part of success. Risk doesn't mean doing something stupid. Risk means attempting something that stretches you beyond what you know you can succeed at. This type of risk helps you to grow. By developing a healthy attitude toward failure, the fear of risk is lowered which encourages people to attempt things that will contribute to their success.

Take the time to recognize all of your failures. Don't simply brush over them. Take the time to reflect on what went wrong and how you could have handled the situation differently. By doing this you will be able to grow in a way that many individuals avoid. This growth can set you apart from the average person and turn your failures into successes in the future. Failures are inevitable, but you have a choice on what you do with the failure. You can let it destroy you or use it as a springboard to make yourself stronger than before.

Conclusively, “The quickest road to success is to possess an attitude toward failure of ‘no fear,’ ” says Ralph Heath. “To do their work well, to be successful and to keep their companies competitive, leaders and workers on the front lines need to stick their necks out a mile every day. They have to deliver risky, edgy, breakthrough ideas, plans, presentations, advice, technology, products, leadership, bills and more. And they have to deliver all this fearlessly—without any fear whatsoever of failure, rejection or punishment.”

That’s about what I can say to you Mr Failure, oops! Sorry am I correct, your voice didn’t sound like that of a man…” “You are very correct Sir, I am a man and you’ve sufficiently clarified my worries” the line went dead. What a way to appreciate. The bottom-line is that I addressed Mr Failure squarely.

Merry Christmas

The Choice of Not Making a Choice

Dear loving people,

It was at her retirement that Rose realised she had spent 26 years of her professional life on the same post as Administrative Secretary of her company. Bihndoh – her colleague on the other hand recruited on the same day with Rose had grown to become Director of Operations. With much regret Rose told her friends, “You see, I made the wrong choices. I chose not to step out of my comfort zone, I was so afraid to apply for promotions or for other vacant posts; I never ventured to seek more training. I opted to remain on the same spot, doing what I thought I was best at. Bihndoh was more daring, she would try the seemingly impossible and it paid off. She’s the director of operations and here I remain, a mere secretary. Chaiiii! This world ooooh!”

This is what happens, “When you have to make a choice and don’t make it, that is in itself a choice” William James says. I don’t know what you think?” but that is an undeniable fact. Not making a choice is a choice. Letting things happen by default is a choice. If we choose to give up our right to make a choice - we have made a choice. We always have choices, even if we do not like the ones available. Not liking a choice does not mean we do not have a choice. We are constantly presented with choices. Every day we make hundreds of them, some small, some large, and some life changing. Each choice that we make shapes our lives and determines what other choices will be available to us.

Often I ask my junior colleagues what they want to do, where they plan to be in a couple of years or just how they like to spend an off-day. Guess what? Some get so embarrassed and even offended. One of them who became a close friend told me one day that at first she thought I had this boring residual people-pleasing tendency. But when she began to look at it more closely, she realized it was actually about relinquishing the tiny decisions, since inevitably there are lots of large ones that she had to make. That became an eye-opener for her.

It took me considerable time to come to terms with the concept of not choosing. At one moment, I thought I was going nuts. After all, if I did not choose, then anything that happened was not my fault. It took years for me to understand that when we don't make a choice and we simply let things happen, or we let others make our choices for us, we have given up our personal power. At times it can feel freeing to give others the opportunity to choose for us. After all, if they chose it is their responsibility, right? Wrong. Giving up the right to choose does not mean we give up responsibility. We are still responsible, even if we choose to be irresponsible.

The truth is that, every day we make countless choices that affects our lives in major ways. Do we stay with a job or take a risk and follow our dreams? Do we tell someone how we feel, or do we wait for a better time? Then there are the decisions we make by making no choice at all for example when we remain in a job that we really want to abandon, or we stay in a position even though our heart’s pulling us to another one.

At times, the only choice we have is to choose our attitude and how we will respond. These choices are powerful because they allow us the power to stay in control of the internal even if we cannot control the external. Choice is a conscience response. That response is compelling because it allows us to make choices over how we will act in any given moment. When we choose our responses, we decrease the number of times we will regret doing something that we felt we were forced to do.

Life is a constant stream of choices. That can be overwhelming and sometimes downright exhausting if we put pressure on every decision, in fear of doing the wrong thing, or making a choice and then somehow missing out because of it. These big life choices may seem completely unconnected from the tiny decisions we make about how we spend our time, but it all comes down to the same question: Do we want to take responsibility for now?

Not making a choice can be a dangerous choice. When we decide not to choose, we decide to give our personal power away. We give our power away either to a person or situation. Making a choice, even if it is only how we will respond to a situation, allows us to maintain our personal power.

Making choices, and being mindful of our choices, is important because it not only helps us maintain our personal power, but also to take responsibility for the outcome. By taking responsibility, we remove ourselves from the role of victim. Being a victim is a weak position to be in and removes choices we may otherwise have. To claim our personal power, we must make choices and accept the responsibility for those choices.

We’re the only ones who can identify what we want and then do something about it, whether it’s what we do with our evenings, what we do with our jobs, or even what we do with our lives. We can see this as something stressful, and wait it out; hoping someone or something else will tell us what’s the best course of action. Or we can tune into what we want in any given moment, knowing that no matter how things turn out, we will be happy for finding the strength to follow our instincts and choose.

Zig Ziglar says that "Every choice you make has an end result.”