I Am Set to Remarry

Dear lovely people,

“Inside your soul is the ability to survive even the toughest storms, and that paradise can always be found--even in the middle of a hurricane-if you are willing to look” ― Denise Hildreth Jones

At one time, I was invited to deliver a keynote address at a conference regrouping over two hundred Christian youths. When I stepped onto the podium, my opening statement was “I am Set to Remarry.” Behold! The facial expression of a majority of my audience including that of the organizers metamorphosed. The organizers were instantly worried about what could happen next. I hope yours was not same when you read the title of this article? Read on...

I had been discussing for a while with Jacob that afternoon and the excellent wine he served was keeping the conversation going. At one point, I decided to move onto a more delicate subject, I told myself he was sufficiently excited to face such a topic and so I asked suddenly, “When are you remarrying Jacob?” the mention of the word “remarry” instantly cut off the smile on his face, I panicked a little noticing the different expressions that crossed his face. After what looked like an eternity, he cursed and ended up laughing at me, honestly, I did not know what to feel but told myself I asked for it so was ready to face it. He kept on laughing and cursing and at some points, doing a combination of the two. It was already a year since he was subjected to a painful divorce and it sounded like that was the last thing he expected to hear from me. There are high chances that if you ask any friend that same questions, you will likely get the same treatment I had or a combination of it.

With Jacob’s frosty reaction, my mind was busy thinking of existing statistics which suggest that second marriages are more likely to fail than first unions so, it was easy for me to figure out why my friend was nervous about the idea of walking down the aisle after saying “I do” one more time. As if I read his mind, his explanation was not different from what I was thinking and so I asked him “instead of dwelling on the hurdles facing the person marrying again, what if we focused on the ways spouses could work to create stronger marriages the second time around?”

Jacob’s face seemed to light up with my question and I was surprised by his next statement “I think you have a point there because actually, I think an unsuccessful first marriage doesn’t necessarily mean you’re destined to divorce again right?” I smiled and told him, “Now you are talking.” I was happy that I was getting somewhere with him.

Well, many are those who think because of various reasons including religion that divorce should not happen in the first place and so, there is no question talking about remarrying. But then the question is, why nobody marries to divorce, I mean it’s not the desired finality of any marriage but then, what happens when it does happen? What happens after all options have been duly considered and that’s the better option?

Getting married and divorcing later sounds like working hard for success and failing again isn’t it? I know of people who have achieved unbelievable success, I mean the kind of financial success you would never imagine them poor again but sooner than later, you find them completely fallen from Grace to Grass. Successful footballers, businessmen, and megastars have fallen. The question is if you are one of such, do you resign to failure or get up and work for your comeback? Here is my take:

1.  What happened with Jacob might never happen with somebody else. In some cases, one or both of the couples were simply young and made a dumb mistake. As they get older, they get incapacitated to make better judgements. This hold same when you fall from grace to grass. Each time you fall, get up, dust yourself and work it out again because failure is not engraved in your DNA.

2.   Only give love another shot when ‘the one’ walks into your life. Sometimes, you don’t feel like you are ready when the person you were meant to be with came into your life. When you ditch all the pain and regrets that come with divorce and failure generally, you open up and eventually see the right person or opportunity coming into your life as a gift. Rising to the summit again whether it’s a second marriage or your business, is just like the first...it is work. But when you’ve found ‘the one,’ you aren’t all alone in your life and the payoff is incredible.

3.   It’s healthier to be paired up. If you conduct your marriage the right way, your spouse can play an incredibly supportive role in your life. In the same way, failing and getting back on your feet give you the opportunity to attract the right people who can play a supportive role in your life.

4.   Being married to one person can be a completely different experience than the one you had with your first spouse. If you learned from the last experience, you will find that you are a different and better person in the next. As we age and learn from situations in life, we mature and hopefully learn to become a better partner. It isn’t necessarily just being with the right person, it’s also being the right person. In the same way, each time you fail and get back on your feet, you learn, get better and do better.

5.    If you clean up your own baggage first, it can work. Your partner needs to as well. Whether it’s your first or last marriage, this is essential. Marriage is more about sharing ideals, values and goals. If you don’t have those as your foundation, nothing else will work. Same goes with achieving success once again after a major failure.

6.   Because when you know you just know. Many are those who say “never again” after a painful divorce, then comes forgiveness and allowing your heart to feel again. You learn to trust again and to put your heart on the line. Sometimes, success is more meaning full after a major failure and if you learn the lessons that failure always teaches.

7.    Finding the right partner is demanding work just like developing the right dream. If you’ve found someone that you feel lucky and blessed to have in your life and he or she feels the same, why not give marriage another shot? Walking your way back to success after a major failure means keeping some options open even if it takes you down new paths.

Dream in the Present Tense

Dear lovely people,

“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.” - Calvin Coolidge

What does it mean to dream in the present tense? If you thought that was not possible, let’s learn from Vero’s story…

From the shade of the giant tree at the summit of the village hill, Vero was enjoying the amazing scenery, the undulating hills, the reflections from the winding streams far below and the greenery was unbelievably beautiful.   The serenity of the hilly environment was soothing to her body and spirit but that was not all she had come there to do. With eyes closed, Vero was working on getting herself totally relaxed by breathing in and out slowly, feeling the oxygenated air filling and leaving her lungs for over five minutes.

Vero went up the hills that afternoon to write how she wants her life to be. She was convinced that writing and imagining with emotion is so powerful to anybody’s subconscious mind. Once she felt relaxed, she started writing in her notebook. Her opening sentence was very interesting “I am so grateful now that I have brought myself to focus on the important things I want in life.” Before long, she was on the fifth page of her notebook and the amazing thing was that she was writing everything as though it is happening in her life at that very moment. She actually let herself to feel it and so she kept on writing not wanting to stop writing. She was writing in as much detail as she could. At the end of what seemed like an hour of writing her life story, she started re-reading it over and over, a few times out loud slowly and with feeling.

In Vero’s story, she demonstrates that she clearly understands the power of writing her dream in the present tense. The simple act of re-reading her write-up over and over, feeling every bit of it equally programs her mind to start attracting those circumstances to herself through events and people. You might have heard or read about the law of attraction, if not you better read it.

After you write your life story or dream just like Vero did make it a point of duty to read your story and affirmations once in the morning, once in the afternoon, and a few times at night before you go to bed. This is the powerful prescription that will work the magic. The important point to remember as you read it over and over is that all of it needs to be done with the feeling that it is already happening in your life. If your written dream is to own a house, you actually have to feel and visualize yourself already reading in that house. That is the only way you will change your old archetype.

If you can bring yourself to do this for 21 days straight without skipping, you are well on your way to achieving it. You must NOT skip a day because that is how long it takes for the wiring in the brain to be changed to what you actually want. If you skip a single day, you will have to start all over again and have to repeat it as long as you skip a day. Persistence is the key to having this work.

Just As It Happened

Dear lovely people,

That morning, it was Joy’s plan to surprise her husband and the lady. She left home early before her husband and telling him she will not be back before 8:00 PM. Off she went and from their bedroom window upstairs, her husband confirmed it. Joy drove on for about 20 minutes, stopping by a bakery to get all what she needed. She branched off and onto a secondary road, stiltedly headed back home. She got to her newly found hideout just opposite their millennium mansion and settled down to wait for the right moment to pounce.

Thirty minutes later, she watched her husband come out of their front door and drove off. As expected, he drove back home being followed by a black sedan about an hour later while Joy was still on the spot munching a chunk of banana cake. The two cars pulled up side by side in front of their main entrance and the long awaited lady stepped out of the black sedan. She had this fluffy hairdo falling to her shoulders and dangling in rhythm to her curvy body. Joy could tell she was quiet a figure to look at. Her husband embraced her and holding hands, they both walked into the house.

Joy gave them no time, she winged into action like an FBI agent and was over to the house in no time. She bummed into the sitting room unannounced and just in time to find her husband still buried in the skintight embrace of the woman. Joy rushed over to them like a thunderbolt to welcome her mother-in-law. What did you expect?

I got you right? What did you expect? That there will be a clash of titans? It must not always be a negative ending dear one. Are you disappointed? Calm your nerves? Maybe it’s time to edit the functioning of your mind such that you just follow the story as it unfolds without jumping ahead to expect a particular line of action on the part of the protagonist. This is exactly what holds down many people from attaining the very success they seek in life.

My Beauty, My Problem

 Dear lovely people,

We all typically know within our communities that beauty opens many more doors. The more a woman is embellished with sculpted cheekbones, ideal firm breast, gorgeous legs with well-molded ankles to go with a generous backside – what some describe as figure 8, the more she gets a red-carpet reception and pulls a crowd wherever she goes.

How inconsistent it is then to imagine that a woman could actually have many more problems in her life just because she’s amazingly beautiful. The Bible lets us to understand that the subject is necessary and legitimate, because beauty is not in fact problem-free.

Rachel’s experience as recorded in Genesis 29-32 elucidates this further. Rachel missed out on some usefully difficult experiences to start with. Anyone in here community would have been thrilled to be her lover and so couldn’t have faced rejection in any serious way in her adult life. Yet, weirdly, it’s often through difficult experiences that we grow to maturity. They’re painful, but necessary. They force us to develop compensating resources: we become stronger, more resilient; we learn compassion; we get more appreciative of small things. It was not Rachel’s fault, but she was a little spoilt.

Let’s take a look at how Heather Creekmore analyzes it further: Beauty lies to us. It deceives us into believing that it will make our lives easier, better. Rachel shows us this isn’t true. Rachel’s beauty was verifiable–her status as “gorgeous” is recorded in the inerrant word of God. And, yet, Rachel struggled. She thought being married to the man who swept her off her feet would make her happy. It didn’t last. She struggled with infertility. Her husband dealt with her harshly. And though she had clearly “won” the beauty contest with her sister, she still eventually found reason to envy her and let jealousy lead her into a bad case of the crazies.

Physical beauty never equates to fewer difficulties. Being physically “perfect” doesn’t guarantee you a pain free marriage (or a wedding ring), an easy family, or a stress-free life. In fact, being physically beautiful gives exactly zero bonus points redeemable for a better life here on earth.

Beauty falls short on all of its promises. If you don’t believe me, just ask any celebrity or model. Ask any woman renowned for her gorgeous looks if she never feels hurt, rejection, or disappointment. Her answers may surprise you.

The truth is: Leah wasn’t cursed by God with dim eyes that ruined the otherwise fabulous trajectory of her Old Testament life. Rather, God used her, weak eyes and all, to accomplish his purpose. He called her, blessed her, loved her, and redeemed her–paying no mind to her perceived physical flaws.

I believe he does the same for us. And, I think that’s what Leah would want us to know: satisfaction doesn’t come from winning the beauty rat race, earning your husband’s love or bearing a house full of children. Instead it comes from finding fulfillment in God’s purpose and embracing his love.Top of FormBottom of Form

Beautiful or Not, It’s God’s Plan

Dear lovely people,

I have written a lot and made videos about self-image and still feel like keeping on. Have you comprehended the desperation in those women who want to be rated top on the beauty scale?

Think of the downright slavery some put themselves through in order to have smashing looks. Go on social media and see the level of anxiety in those who showcase their self-crafted magnificence to the world. Have you asked yourself why God made you the way you came into the world?

When I read Genesis 29:17, I realized God himself dealt with this already but some especially women just refuse to get the lessons. While reflecting on how to put this through, I came across what Heather Creekmore (and author and speaker I admire) wrote with regards to Genesis 29:17 and had nothing more to add but to give you as she wrote it…

Leah married Jacob only because her father pulled a bait and switch on her sister’s would-be groom. And yet, what happens? Leah bears Jacob many sons, one of whom is in the lineage of Jesus Christ. God uses the “uglier” sister, a twisted wedding night deception, and a whole lot of crazy competition between the “sister wives” to establish a home for the eventual twelve tribes of Israel, one of whom was Judah (the forefather of the Messiah).

When Leah names Judah, she says, “This time I will praise the Lord” (what Judah literally means). She reveals to us that her heart is in a different place after this baby’s arrival. The names of her other sons reflect a desire to have her husband see, hear, and pay attention to her, but, when Judah comes along it seems Leah has finally realized that fulfilling God’s purpose is more satisfying than the attention of any man.

God is sovereign (Romans 9). He uses whom he wants, when he wants, according to his purposes. The blind man was born blind to accomplish God’s purpose (John 9:2-3). Leah was born with “weak” eyes also to accomplish God’s purpose.

Isn’t it possible that some are given great physical beauty as a part of God’s plan for their lives and others are not and that doesn’t really matter? Why is it not okay that physical beauty be just another attribute that doesn’t carry the weight of ultimate importance in our lives…just like some are blessed financially or others are given great musical talent or administrative gifts? 

Maybe God doesn’t apologize to us for not making Leah as beautiful as Rachel because it doesn’t really matter what she looks like, he still knows how he will use her to accomplish his purpose and that, alone, will bring great fulfillment.

The Moonlit Room

Dear lovely people,

When you set your mind to achieve your fondest? Give it your best and never give up no matter the circumstances until you get what you set out to achieve.

Binta Yoyo Aboyeye are my names and here is my story… I was standing by the window of my dark bedroom gaping into the moonlit night. I was not listening to the whistling sounds from insects and other nocturnal creatures neither was I listening to the crackling sound of a stream nearby winding its way through rocks into the darkness. None of these natural endowments were of interest to me that night. My mind was preoccupied with some disturbing internal reflections.

I was asking myself why things where the way they had become with me? Why me? Why would every single thing I touch melt away? What have I done, which crime did I commit to merit such an outcome? It all started ten years back when I was tricked into sleeping with my supervisor’s daughter and got framed up for rape. Luckily for me, I did not end up with a prison sentence, but I lost my job. It was devastating for me as a young man who was at the beginning of a career you know, the embarrassment of passing around as a rapist. I cried, I prayed then came a new job one year later.

I had barely served for three months at this new position before being framed up once again but this time, for embezzlement. I was finally acquitted of all charges but again, I lost my job. This time, it was painful. I went for four years without a job, a time during which I thought I could invest in a business.

I started a provision store with the little I had saved and the store picked up really fast until I got up one morning to find that it had been burgled overnight. I cried, I prayed and painstakingly restocked it.

Eight months later, that black day, I was in the market buying provisions when my phone rang and I was told that my shop caught fire. I got there at the end of it all just to find that it had been reduced to ashes. Not even a tablet of soap was saved. The loss was enormous, I cried for weeks and prayed for God’s divine intervention in my life.

The worst form of hardship set in and I could barely eat. I decided to get a job again and after some months of job hunting, I got recruited. A few months into my new job, I told myself providence had finally smiled at me and I was once again picking up. I came back from a field trip one day only to be served a letter. My employer’s budget had so dwindled caused by the global slowdown to the extent that they were downsizing. I was one of the twenty who had been asked to leave in order to save the organization salary expenses.

I shock myself out of those reflections and decided to go back to sleep. As I moved back to bed that night, I told myself how tired I was of the happenings in my life. I had been plunged into some voracious loop of damnation. I told myself no matter how many times I failed, no matter what the devil was up to, I will not give up, I will emerge even if it means starting over and over again. Just before dosing off, I told myself that my rise to prominence was inevitable and that I will work on a new strategy, then I will bank on God and shame the devil.

Success can only come if you refuse to accept the momentary failures that are almost always sure to come your way.

Success or Failure, You choose

Dear lovely people,

I have learned that no matter how much you want to control the final outcome of everything that happens to you, you can’t.  All that you can do is control the controllable, take responsibility for doing all that you can and leave the outcome up to God.”

Let me tell you a story distilled from an unknown author. A jobless man applied for the position of ‘office boy’ at a very big company. The HR Manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test. “You are hired.” – the employer told him at the end of the test. “Give me your email address, and I’ll send you the application to fill, as well as when you will start.” Surprisingly, the man replied, “I don’t have a computer, neither an email.”

“I’m sorry,” said the HR Manager, “if you don’t have an email that means you do not exist. And who doesn’t exist, cannot have the job.” The man left with no hope. He didn’t know what to do, with only $10 USD in his pocket. It occurred to him that whether you register success or failure in your live, you choose.

He then decided to go to the supermarket, bought a 10kg tomato crate, then sold the tomatoes door to door. In less than two hours, he succeeded and doubled his capital. He repeated the operation 3 times and returned home with $60 USD. The man realized that he could survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and returned late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday. Shortly later, he bought a wagon, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

Five years later, the man’s company was one of the biggest food retailers. He started to plan his family’s future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied: “I don’t have an email.”

The broker replied curiously, “You don’t have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Do you imagine what you could have done if you had an email?” The man paused for a while, and replied: “An office boy!”

First thing first, I don’t want to sound as if there is no point having an email address, far from it. I rather want to send home the message that you can’t afford to allow the lack of an email address to come between you and the future you want for yourself. The internet is not the only solution to your problems in life. If you don’t have an email address and work hard, you can still be a millionaire.

More importantly, you should NEVER ever be discouraged if something does not work in your favor today. Better opportunities are always waiting ahead if you stay through to your cause and learn from every single mistake you make along the way.

When All Hope Seems Lost

Dear lovely people,

When David’s bus left Douala that morning, it was clear in his mind that it was over with Dorothy. He relaxed in the comfort of a 72 seater bus and allowed his mind to wonder back to some of the difficult moments he had been through with Dorothy. He remembered clearly that a lot had happened between them added to the distance and that all his efforts to save the relationship was futile.

David, knew he was part of the problem. He had never found a way to forgive Dorothy since the day he met her embracing another man at the entrance of a hotel in Douala. To him that was the foundation of their chain of difficulties. He was still pensive when a waiter shook him to remind him that they arrived the bus stop in Yaounde, it was amazing to realize he had been buried in thoughts throughout the four-hour journey.

Boarding a taxi, he decided to go straight home, take a bath before going to his automobile spare parts shop. On the way, his phone rang and when he answered the call, he felt like jumping through the window of the taxi to end it all. His brother was at the other end of the line, telling him that his shop was subject of an ongoing conflagration. By the time he got to the scene, everything he had so worked for was reduced to ashes.

From all counts, this was another tough blow on David in one day, his emotional and professional worlds were crashing in on him at the same time. I am not sure what is up with you now but does David’s story sound familiar? You might have gone through such, going through such or know somebody who has gone through or is going through such evidently horrible trials.

Whatever the situation you might find yourself in, let me talk to you about three things essential in bouncing back after a major setback as the one David found himself in after all, bouncing back is what makes the difference between losers and winners.

Firstly, you should let yourself fully feel the emotions. Faced with a major failure in your life, you may be overcome with disappointment, and despair. Holding in your painful feelings can have negative effects on your health, your relationships, and your future success. Rather take time off to notice each emotion as it comes to you. Take time to name the emotion, be it anger, sadness, fear, or shame. This will enable you to work through it without blaming it on yourself or others. It’s equally important that you take time to process your feelings. If you try to fix or move past your disappointment before knowing how you feel; you may act rashly.

Secondly, work to address the cause of the failure. What went wrong and how did it go wrong? Could it have been prevented? Think about possible solutions you could have put into action, and what their consequences would have been. Were your initial expectations unrealistic? For example if you were disappointed in love as was the case with David, ask yourself if you were putting unusual pressure or expectations on your romantic partner. Did you understand how they were feeling throughout the relationship? Did you support their projects and friendships?

Thirdly, change your approach and try again. Brainstorm ideas and select the one that seems durable. Ask yourself if you have the resources to put your new plan into place. What new problems are likely to come up? How will you solve them? What needs to be in place before you begin? This is the time when you must avoid repeating the same mistakes. Your new approach should not include any of the strategies that may have caused your last approach to fail.

It is equally important that you create a plan B. Even well-executed approaches can fail due to unforeseen complications. With your new goal set, and your new plan solidified, set out to achieve your goal. Take the time to reflect on your progress as your steps take effect. Feel free to change your approach. You are learning as you go, and a natural part of this process is to adjust and tweak your approach.