I Am Set to Remarry

Dear lovely people,

“Inside your soul is the ability to survive even the toughest storms, and that paradise can always be found--even in the middle of a hurricane-if you are willing to look” ― Denise Hildreth Jones

At one time, I was invited to deliver a keynote address at a conference regrouping over two hundred Christian youths. When I stepped onto the podium, my opening statement was “I am Set to Remarry.” Behold! The facial expression of a majority of my audience including that of the organizers metamorphosed. The organizers were instantly worried about what could happen next. I hope yours was not same when you read the title of this article? Read on...

I had been discussing for a while with Jacob that afternoon and the excellent wine he served was keeping the conversation going. At one point, I decided to move onto a more delicate subject, I told myself he was sufficiently excited to face such a topic and so I asked suddenly, “When are you remarrying Jacob?” the mention of the word “remarry” instantly cut off the smile on his face, I panicked a little noticing the different expressions that crossed his face. After what looked like an eternity, he cursed and ended up laughing at me, honestly, I did not know what to feel but told myself I asked for it so was ready to face it. He kept on laughing and cursing and at some points, doing a combination of the two. It was already a year since he was subjected to a painful divorce and it sounded like that was the last thing he expected to hear from me. There are high chances that if you ask any friend that same questions, you will likely get the same treatment I had or a combination of it.

With Jacob’s frosty reaction, my mind was busy thinking of existing statistics which suggest that second marriages are more likely to fail than first unions so, it was easy for me to figure out why my friend was nervous about the idea of walking down the aisle after saying “I do” one more time. As if I read his mind, his explanation was not different from what I was thinking and so I asked him “instead of dwelling on the hurdles facing the person marrying again, what if we focused on the ways spouses could work to create stronger marriages the second time around?”

Jacob’s face seemed to light up with my question and I was surprised by his next statement “I think you have a point there because actually, I think an unsuccessful first marriage doesn’t necessarily mean you’re destined to divorce again right?” I smiled and told him, “Now you are talking.” I was happy that I was getting somewhere with him.

Well, many are those who think because of various reasons including religion that divorce should not happen in the first place and so, there is no question talking about remarrying. But then the question is, why nobody marries to divorce, I mean it’s not the desired finality of any marriage but then, what happens when it does happen? What happens after all options have been duly considered and that’s the better option?

Getting married and divorcing later sounds like working hard for success and failing again isn’t it? I know of people who have achieved unbelievable success, I mean the kind of financial success you would never imagine them poor again but sooner than later, you find them completely fallen from Grace to Grass. Successful footballers, businessmen, and megastars have fallen. The question is if you are one of such, do you resign to failure or get up and work for your comeback? Here is my take:

1.  What happened with Jacob might never happen with somebody else. In some cases, one or both of the couples were simply young and made a dumb mistake. As they get older, they get incapacitated to make better judgements. This hold same when you fall from grace to grass. Each time you fall, get up, dust yourself and work it out again because failure is not engraved in your DNA.

2.   Only give love another shot when ‘the one’ walks into your life. Sometimes, you don’t feel like you are ready when the person you were meant to be with came into your life. When you ditch all the pain and regrets that come with divorce and failure generally, you open up and eventually see the right person or opportunity coming into your life as a gift. Rising to the summit again whether it’s a second marriage or your business, is just like the first...it is work. But when you’ve found ‘the one,’ you aren’t all alone in your life and the payoff is incredible.

3.   It’s healthier to be paired up. If you conduct your marriage the right way, your spouse can play an incredibly supportive role in your life. In the same way, failing and getting back on your feet give you the opportunity to attract the right people who can play a supportive role in your life.

4.   Being married to one person can be a completely different experience than the one you had with your first spouse. If you learned from the last experience, you will find that you are a different and better person in the next. As we age and learn from situations in life, we mature and hopefully learn to become a better partner. It isn’t necessarily just being with the right person, it’s also being the right person. In the same way, each time you fail and get back on your feet, you learn, get better and do better.

5.    If you clean up your own baggage first, it can work. Your partner needs to as well. Whether it’s your first or last marriage, this is essential. Marriage is more about sharing ideals, values and goals. If you don’t have those as your foundation, nothing else will work. Same goes with achieving success once again after a major failure.

6.   Because when you know you just know. Many are those who say “never again” after a painful divorce, then comes forgiveness and allowing your heart to feel again. You learn to trust again and to put your heart on the line. Sometimes, success is more meaning full after a major failure and if you learn the lessons that failure always teaches.

7.    Finding the right partner is demanding work just like developing the right dream. If you’ve found someone that you feel lucky and blessed to have in your life and he or she feels the same, why not give marriage another shot? Walking your way back to success after a major failure means keeping some options open even if it takes you down new paths.