Step Out of the Blame Game!

Dear lovely people,

I like facts because they remain facts whether you approve of them or not. When it comes to playing the blame game, there are no winners and that’s a fact. The most unfortunate thing is that the blamer is ultimately the one who is hurt in the process. To blame is to be incapacitated. To blame is to be struck in the heart. To blame will only raise your blood pressure, give you sleepless nights, and provide you with no solutions.

“All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy” cautions Wayne Dyer

Trust me, there have been times in my life where others have inflicted mortal blows to my life – spiritually, socially, emotionally, mentally and even financially. And yet while I continued to blame them for what they had caused in my life I was totally immobilized. I was stuck in anger. I was horrified with rage. And the only people who were feeling the heat of my blame were myself.

Walter Kirn says that “Everyone loves a witch hunt as long as it's someone else's witch being hunted.” It has not been easy but recently just like Steve Goodier, “An important decision I made was to resist playing the Blame Game. The day I realized that I am in charge of how I will approach problems in my life, that things will turn out better or worse because of me and nobody else, that was the day I knew I would be a happier and healthier person. And that was the day I knew I could truly build a life that matters.”

I am not saying it’s that easy but when you are down dredged in the blame game, you have to understand like Israelmore Ayivor puts it “Your downfall is a preparation for your up-rise. If you don’t know this secret, you will remain on the floor, blaming your legs instead of your head!” and so I decided to use my head to get out of the blame game.

So how do people get stock in the blame game, my experience has been that it starts when it’s convenient to blame someone for what we didn’t get done. We get into such a habit of mentally assigning blame to everyone and everything except ourselves that we start believing it. Not only do we hold ourselves back from achieving things that would bring great rewards, we water and fertilize resentment and bitterness towards the people we blame.

At other times, it’s when it’s scary to do something. We don’t usually realize what we’re doing. When faced with an uncomfortable task that stretches us, we seek to avoid the discomfort by consoling ourselves with excuses of why we can’t possibly do the thing. Before you know it, your to-do list and a deadline collide. You start looking at a long to-do list then glancing at your calendar thus setting in a feeling of panic. When we start thinking “impossible” the next order of business is to look for an escape. Of course there are times when the list is totally unrealistic, but often we stamp “no way” on a project just because it looks hard.

Since it seems overwhelming we start looking for the exit clause by blaming our schedule or our headache or our close collaborators. Some even blame God, oh yes! “Poor God, how often He is blamed for all the suffering in the world. It’s like praising Satan for allowing all the good that happens.”  as E.A. Bucchianeri puts it.

We expect our spouse or supervisor to understand our special circumstances and give us a break. “It’s not my fault!” When we voice the excuses and others are quick to agree with us we think we’re off the hook. Except that deep down we’re disappointed in ourselves.

So how then do you get out of this pitfall? Simple! Turn on the blame radar. Take a good look at your thoughts and reactions and see how often they turn to blame. Trust me that’s what I did, I might not be there yet but I know I am moving so you can.

“You can't hold onto someone or something which clearly don't want held.... when you open your eyes and realize what your position is. It's up to you to decide if you want to play the part of a supporting cast member, fight to get a leading role or clearly start your own show. There's no need to get upset there's no need to start a fight you only need to get under it, get over it or get through it. It’s time to grow up and take responsibility don't play the blame game.” Advices C Williams quotes. 

Melody Beattie adds that “Real power comes when we stop holding others responsible for our pain, and we take responsibility for our feelings.” Because as Albert Ellis puts it “The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.”